him

i miss u sm, i dont understand why u would do that to me. i loved u i really did C. and i still do. i remember on was praying on birthday that youd somehow text me, i miss you so much it physically hurts. i hate april now, i feel like its all my fault everythinf happened, maybe if i hadnt posted it days after our friendship ended maybe i couldve still salvaged it. i regret it every single day, i know deep down that nothing is my fault but i cant help but feel like it is. maybe if i hadnt been so annoying, maybe if i texted u more. we never dated but i considered u more than my best friend, you meant the world to me. sometimes i wonder if it was all an act, maybe you never really cared about me and that was how u got over me so quickly. i wish i just had skipped that video on tiktok 2 years ago, then none of this wouldve happened. i never meant enough for you to change, you made me feel like a fool for thinking you would. i hate how my mood depended on how you treated me or how you felt, i cried often because of you. i still feel guilty about that fight in august, you used to be so caring and kind to me, i shouldve just shut up. i remember u unfriended me everywhere, then texted me like 2 days later, telling me that u thought we shouldnt be friends anymore. u added me on everything again and everything felt awkward. i remember a day later i didnt text u and u said something like “ik you want to speak to me” and it hurt. because i really did. i missed waking up and speakimg to you and i was scared that u were gonna get mad at me for texting u because u didnt wanna be friends anymore. we ended up becoming friends again either way, but it wasnt the same. i hate myself for trusting u sm, i shouldve never gave u access. i already had a bad feeling idk why i did it. i know you hate me now but i cant help but still love you. maybe one dau we’ll meet again, someday when weve grown old and youve changed, maybe then we can talking about it all and tell eachother everything that has happened ever since. i know wont happen but i cant help but wish it will. i remember i always stayed up all night just to speak to you, i always stayed up everyday, no matter if it was a school day or not. now when i do it feels odd not speaking to you. i always think about unblocking you and trying to talk everything out. but i know its for the best that we dont speak anymore. youre out living your life yet im still here. its been months i dont know why im not over it all yet, i want closure but i dont know how to get it. i wish i didnt block you, maybe if i hadnt then we couldve talked it all out by now. i remember u always wanted to hear my voice, i wish we had more time together so that i couldve ended up voice revealing, im more comfortable with my voice now then i was months ago. i miss playing roblox with you, i miss being comforted by you went i was in the darkest point of my life. i still have the song u recommend me in my playlist. ive been trying so hard to move on i swear, i dont know why i just cant. ive stopped rereading old texted, ive stopped checking ur social media profiles but i just cant. youre everywhere. everything reminds me of u. i dont know if i hate you or love you anymore. i wonder if u miss me like i miss you. ill love u forever C. /p