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am I unlovable?

Sorry in advance for the length of this (haha), I promise it’s worth it. I’m - and I’m a freshman in high school. Currently I’m struggling with FOMO of having a high school relationship. I grew up as kind of a nerd. I was an overly sensitive and empathic chubby kid with glasses who liked unicorns, dystopia books, and watched Ted talks for fun. As you can imagine, I was never one of those girls who had a kindergarten boyfriend or their first kiss super young. While I pretended like I didn’t care, the fact that no one had ever had a crush on me has stayed in the back of my mind. Cut to middle school, we’re in the pandemic and I’m super emo due to other family issues. During this time I was super insecure about my body and developed unhealthy coping mechanisms like an eating disorder and self harm. On the positive side this is also when my love for Disney sparked. I mean I loved it before- but at this point it became a fantasy to cling onto. A prince who loved me no matter how broken I was and let me shine. Seventh grade I got my first “boyfriend”. For privacy sake I’ll name him “A”. He told me he liked me after I had just been rejected by the guy I liked most of that year, and even though I wasn’t really over him nor did I like Alex, I agreed to date him because I was worried no one else would like me (I found out later that he had already asked out my two best friends at the time first. Yeah that’s right! I wasn’t the second but THIRD CHOICE ). Alex wasn’t a great boyfriend, but honestly we weren’t really dating. We’d just talk at school and hold hands on the bus. His parents didn’t want him to be in a relationship, so anytime I tried to hang out with him outside of school he blew it off. I thought this was the greatest thing ever and that we’d date for years. Cut to summer when he ghosted me without explanation . I texted to confirm that we were broken up that next school year and he showed the text to all his friends bragging about how he “played me”. I was single all of 8th again and that brings us to present day 9th. I’d like to think I had a bit of glow up in that time. I got contacts, cut my hair, learned how to use makeup, and let myself be outgoing and confident. My only struggle is comparison (we’ll definitely not only but that’s a different story). I know it’s probably normal to not have my first kiss yet, but I can’t help but worry that by the time someone does have a crush on me again I’ll be severely underprepared! People I know have dated multiple people already and moved way past the “first kiss phase” and into the “giving head and having sex” phase. Which like crazy absurd unbelievable bs but I’m being fr! 14 and 15yr olds are fuxking! People are starting to get invited to parties and try alcohol and I’m getting left behind. I mean I probably wouldn’t be a drinker and definitely not a vaper but I deserve the option! So yea that’s about where I’m at. I’ve had one boyfriend and the most I’ve done romantically is held hands. Ik I should be okay with this since I’m young BUT YALL! You’ve seen the couple videos, and the rom coms (when harry met sally and how to lose a guy in 10 days are my current favs as wells as Love hard and dash and lily for the holidays), and tangled, and MATCHING PAJAMA MOVIE NIGHTS . I could go on and on but to summarize I really want a boyfriend! I just don’t get why I haven’t been asked out! Objectively I’m pretty, I’m 5’0 (the average height at my school is like 5’9), a brunette with a layered bob cut, Have green eyes and freckles, and for lack of better words have fairly big boobs and a fat ass. I’m stylish and dress in a way that’s cute and me without being too out there. Think someone who wears Christmas wreath earrings around the holidays and pink panther pajama pants to bed. Personality wise I don’t think I’m that bad either? I’m fiercely loyal to my friends and family as well someone who watches out for introverts and gives people a platform to speak if they’re ignored. I’m super extroverted and friends with everyone even guys. I think people would describe me as an “olaf/golden retriever personality type”. I was also raised by a therapist so I’m super emotionally mature and as previously mentioned I’m a secret nerd so I’m school smart too. To my knowledge I’m pretty funny too. SO WHY WONT ANYONE HAVE A FREAKING CRUSH ON MEEEEEE?!?! Someone please tell me what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes I can be oblivious to sarcasm so maybe I just don’t realize when someone’s flirting? I think since I’ve only had one person romantically like me I would doubt anyone who says they have a crush on me. Maybe it’s also that I’m not popular? Like I’m friends with A LOT of people but I’m not “in” with the popular crowd. On a different note, any tips on where to find guys these days that don’t just want someone who sends pics? Should I attend a poetry reading? I do like poetry. Is having a fairy tale relationship, or even a committed relationship unrealistic for my age? Idk Anyways girlies pls validate me and give me advice; While I don’t know anything about any of you, the fact that you read this much tells me enough to trust you and appreciate you.


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