disgusting

when i was about 10 years old i actually can't remember when this first started i try to but i cant seem to this was in 2021 im guessing or maybe 2020 don't know anyways as i was saying when i was 10 i got SA'ed everytime i look at that exact word or anything sexual in general i get this icky feeling and lately been thinking about more then ever and every time i remember every moment and everything he did to me i just stop everything im doing i don't cry but i just feel disgusting and it hurts so much i cant stop i want to stop all of these thoughts and i was relieved when he left for california but all the moments are still here everytime i walk into my sisters room the back of my car and my room all the memories come back to me and i really cant take it anymore sometimes i just want to you know leave and therapy didn't help a lot i liked all the gifts they gave me but if i really think about it therapy didn't help it just made me feel better of myself for like the rest of the year but them all my bad thoughts came back to my mind im not trying to be edgy or corny but it really does hurt it makes me feel disgusting like icky and i don't know and dying seems kinda scary to me i can't do it i don't want to leave my loved ones my friends are my family but yeah im 13 now about to turn 14 but these thoughts still are coming to me and at the moment i feel horrible i feel like it was my fault too i didn't stop it from happening but i was so confused on what was happening i didn't know what to do when i told my parents my mom slapped me and that just made me not trust my parents even more.