guilt

hi im gabby and many people includog me will think my life isn't that bad. which it isn't. its not bad, really. I've moved 8 times and I need to move states again, but this time I'm so much scared than usual because I'm more mature than last time and I'm so afraid to leave the life I've built behind. and everytime I think of how I treated someone badly or how I should be closer and nicer with my parents and how I should do this and how I missed this and failed this and my studies and life I feel the guilt and worry pile on, or ill feel so stretched its barely a metaphor. I've felt suicidal before but never have the guts to hurt myself thankfully, but I'm just not afraid of death atp. I'm trying to accept my situation and see the bright side and cope and breath and not take my thoughts to seriously but its hard but I'm working on it. I've closed my feelibsg off from even my closest friends because if I'm not there for them, who is?