i am in hell

i was abused by my teachers growing up. i was hit multiple times in school, they would sit me next to kids who would beat the shit out of me constantly and then they’d turn a blind eye while i got hurt. they told my parents i was acting out in class and then i’d get beaten at home, too. i remember getting grabbed by the wrist and dragged into the hallway and then shaken by the front of my shirt because i ran away to the bathroom to calm down once. i got locked out of classrooms and then punished for skipping class.

now that i’m in college i can’t talk to any of my professors and it’s destroying my life. every time i try my throat closes up and my hands start shaking and i remember exactly what it felt like to get thrown to the floor or screamed at or called a disappointment.

all of my peers seem to have one professor they trust or at least like but i literally cannot make those connections and because of this i’m missing out on office hours, internship opportunities, and a fuck ton of other connections. i wish i had died back then because i have no idea how to confront this fear now. it’s gone too far