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I want to come out of this alive

I have this inextricable loneliness. And it feels benign to talk about it because everyone experiences loneliness. But it's been here for so long and I know why, which only causes resentment. We were friends, and he took everything, again and again. And I let him, because I felt starved, I could twist punches into hugs, and justify my loyalty as charitable. But I was, am, cowardly. Loneliness is so pervasive. The things I love grow painful when all I wish for, day after day after day, is someone to share them with..

I've heard plenty about the teen mental health crisis and the detrimental effects of the isolation we've endured. And, I try not to, but I look for something to blame. Like a cosmic cruelty, or my mom for wanting me. or the world for creating the nuclear family ideal that led to my birth. Of course blaming doesn't help, but resentment has been a good friend to commiserate with. I truly don't know how to be. I worry about my health, which studies show is put at great risk by isolation. It's not easy to socialize, to find people I connect with. And to admit something I don't like to say, I'm autistic; and it's really just terrible.

I feel like I 'm wasting away. I've grown up so fast, the past four years have been a whirlpool that I can never seem to get a firm comprehension of. I'll keep burying myself in school, exercise, reading, anything to keep myself busy. But this just won't work any longer. It's funny how all the things I do to ignore my hurting are things that make me saintly to the people around me.


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