im still trying

im not really moving on from anything traumatic anymore now its more about staying afloat

it’s just always a lot going on between the world, my world, and myself they never go with each other nicely.

im trans but im scared to start transitioning

(will i still be loved the same?)

((will i ever find love to be the same?))

im mentally ill and diagnosed but i’m still trying to behave “normally” which still eludes me somehow, with the amount of time ive been trying at it.

i take my meds every day and i think i get better but im expected to do so much so well and i just dont think i have the capacity to do it.

and even these things can change! i just wish some things would stay the same. but whenever too many things stay the same, i feel the need to stop taking them.

Do i do things based on what i know i can handle or do i do things based on my aspirations? things that i could learn to handle with time. i dont know how much time i have. i have time to decide but not time to deliberate.

i wish i had a plan for everything

i need to know what to do at every ending at every fork i need to see how i would initially react so i can account for that these things are scary

other people’s experiences aren’t enough i need to experience it myself and then live it the right way to me there is always a right way.

if i dont stop now this won’t end

thank you

and bye for now