life, in a nutshell

I'm 16 and I was adopted when I was 7.

I might have been molested at any time until I was taken by cps at the age of three. I've been in multiple mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive homes. I don't think about it too much anymore, but sometimes when my anxiety kicks in, I'm scared the blanket is going suffocate me in the middle of the night. I am terrified of adults sometimes -- even though I am now 5'9" -- because I weigh only 120 lbs and I'm not very strong. Sometimes I'm tempted to cut my hair because it has been used against me, I've been pulled, yanked, and held down by my hair so many times. but I feel conflicted about this because my mom braids my hair, it's our bond, and I don't want to give anything away because of the haters. right now my wrists hurt from instinctually trying to block hits. yes, I am still dealing with abuse to this day. I want to speak freely. but sometimes I take it a little too far because the person we are living with is the laziest, narcissistic, hypocritical man I have ever met. he'll never admit it, but he hates me. I’ve tried to understand him, be respectful, polite, and helpful, I’ve tried improving my flaws, and it’s never enough.

I'm not overweight, but I am covered with scars. It's disgusting. It looks like I have a disease.

I'm tired of taking meds for ADHD and skin-picking disorder.

No one believes me when I say I have depression.

No one but my closest friends and my amazing boyfriend, whom I've been dating for 8 months now.

And if I don't pass this year I am going to lose all of that.

With no connections and no way out of my parents' grasp.

If that happens, I'm smashing my head into the wall until one of the two breaks.

'Give me liberty or give me death.' because this is the United fucking States of fucking America

Whatever happens first shall be my fate.