not even Christmas

My suicidal thoughts and depression got so bad I couldn't even enjoy Christmas. Everyone seemed so happy. I was expected to be happy and buy everyone presents and get them in return. When asked what I wanted for Christmas, I didn't have an answer. I wasn't sure if I would live till then. Christmas wasn't Christmas this year. I did manage to make it to Christmas and I smiled through it. I planned on ending everything sometime January. I didn't, obviously, because i'm writing this two months later. I have a therapist but I couldn't tell her about how bad things were. Im a Christian and I genuinely just prayed about it. God is helping me through it.