Tired

I have been brutalized in one way or another by so many men. My first boyfriend used to pressure me for sex until I cried and gave in. He’d get so Angry and sometimes he’d just do it. He’d ignore my no’s and get mad when I would cry. There’s this memory that I can never shake, I’m in his room and crying and I don’t want to but he puts his dick in my mouth and it’s disgusting it tastes so gross and there are tears and I want him to see them. To know I’m upset and I don’t want to do this cuz I think if he knows then he’ll stop but he doesn’t. He knows, he sees me and he doesn’t stop. I was 15 and alone and so scared. Now I’m older and I can’t shake it. I can’t shake its effect, I can barely think about it. The worst part is that I feel guilty. I feel like I’m lying constantly, like I invited it somehow or like it could’ve been worse and I should be grateful that it wasn’t in a back alley at gun point. It wasn’t the last time I would feel violated, it wasn’t the first but it was the biggest. I was just a girl and it feels like I will never get that time back. I will never be the same and sometimes I just feel so exhausted. I have all this work to do so I can get better and it doesn’t feel fair. I’m so tired of this weight and burden