To my assaulter

Sometimes I still wonder if it was my fault

Maybe I should have screamed and fought instead of repeating “stop it” “no” “I don’t want this”

Maybe I should have squirmed more

Whatever it was I did, I know it wasn’t enough because you reached out to me afterwards asking if I wanted to do it again

I wish I made you feel as guilty as I do for the stake of responsibility that I hold in this and not making it clear to you how you were hurting me

I’ll never forget the complete lack of control I felt for my body and what happens to it

And the moment that I gave up on myself when fear took over and I valued my safety more so than, well, you know.

I’ve since started taking more care of myself, and the person that everyone else sees.

I know now that safety, life, and peaceful moments are something to be cherished and I’m done making decisions that don’t make me happy.

I’m doing well now.