Sometimes I still wonder if it was my fault
Maybe I should have screamed and fought instead of repeating “stop it” “no” “I don’t want this”
Maybe I should have squirmed more
Whatever it was I did, I know it wasn’t enough because you reached out to me afterwards asking if I wanted to do it again
I wish I made you feel as guilty as I do for the stake of responsibility that I hold in this and not making it clear to you how you were hurting me
I’ll never forget the complete lack of control I felt for my body and what happens to it
And the moment that I gave up on myself when fear took over and I valued my safety more so than, well, you know.
I’ve since started taking more care of myself, and the person that everyone else sees.
I know now that safety, life, and peaceful moments are something to be cherished and I’m done making decisions that don’t make me happy.
I’m doing well now.