I want to write a letter to the person who hurt and violated me years ago. He is my brother. I want to let him know that I remember, and make him atone for that, but i also want to have a better relationship with him. This does not mean my intentions are forgiveness. I’ve been cold to him over the years because of it. Sometimes on purpose, other times in instinct. And it hurts him, because he doesn’t know why on the surface. Honestly, I feel like confronting him about it is the only explanation I can give him, and I think truly it’s the path to a better relationship and to speaking my own truth. I hate pushing him away and not telling him why, only for him to wonder why I’m so distant and unresponsive when he’s home. I want to be able to say “I appreciate you and I love you, but I need you to give me space right now because of these reasons we both know about”. I’m terrified he won’t accept it, or he will have a different memory and conclusions than I do. Because there’s nothing I could say to that. With a matter on this scale, with family members who will always be in your life, stakes are so fucking high.
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