my life

See i don't know what's been going on with my life recently, but i know its not good at all. I moved to a school where all of friends aren't there and its very different from when they were there. I feel like i can't connect or laugh with anyone at all. People just know me as the pretty girl in the hallways, the one that is pretty and funny and gorgeous but do they really know me? you know after my friends moved 2 hours and even states away, i feel broken and i don't know if i can even last with out my friends at all. They was a incident of where this boy that i had a big crush on accused me of doxing him and i almost got into legal trouble, if it wasn't for my best friend. She was there for me and I was there for her, What ever she went through i would help her and same for me too. After that situation, I found myself hating the male existence because i got lead on and it hurt me so fucking badly to the fact, i was depressed but i got through it until she left and moved 2 hours away. the next year, I got SA and then i got SH as well too. and this happened about 4 times in the same month February. It ruined me SO badly to the fact i changed my appearance because my family were laughing and making jokes about my situation and blamed me. It made cut all of my hair off and i went from my hair to my back to me going and looking bald. I wore a scarf with a fake bun to make it seem like I was okay and i smiled knowing deep down i was dying inside. Fast forward a few months, and my hair grew back but i also grew to have anxiety and having panic attacks. It also made it worse when i use to talk to my teachers about something or about how i need to turn in a assignment that was one day late, they would yell at me and embarrasses me in front of the whole class. and when i go home to my family also, making fun of me. I don't know how but i maintained a 3.6 GPA but slowly by slowly i went down. By the end of time of June, I got a little better but i got a 3.2 GPA and i got a C- in my class and my family scolded me about it and made fun of me and they bought up the moment of me getting SA and SH and laughed at me. I started crying and wishing i was dead. I wish that the next day, i could move and disappear out of their so i can never be in that toxic family. I will never forget i went down on my knees with a knife to my throat and praying to god to make me make it a another year so i can make it out of here. And it worked because i did go on a vacation and also seen my best friend at a event where she surprised me at. But that's where it went chasing because before summer, all of my "friends" (not the ones that moved) were talking about me and making fun of me and i dropped them all. and it was terrible. I came into the new school year with a glow up and new style but same old me inside. Now, i am at a new school and wishing that i had someone to talk too. I got bullied by my old friends though, they threw my bag and my headphones on the ground and my headphone did indeed broke and i was sad and crying because it remind me when my father threw my headphones across the room because he got angry at me for me putting them on the kitchen counter. And i got a flashback of it and i almost started crying in class but i didn't and i hoped everything would get better and it did until a new problem came around. there was this boy that is 2 1/2 years older then me and he was nice and cute and respectful until he got a talking stage and then yeah. it ruined me cause i thought that i would never find me finding interest but luckily i wasn't in a crush or something. I just finally felt seen.. i guess. like a guy sees me for me and you know it was sad but then i just don't know. i told myself to forget about it but now i can't and i feel weird and i really miss my friends so much because i have nobody at all. And when realization hit me, i bam went back to my sadness. Cause last week, he invited me to go with him his friends somewhere and it was nice and chill and we had our private conversation i guess. and that's before he had a gf but it wtv. I just miss my friends, i miss when i use to be happy and funny with my friends before they moved states and far away and i am going back to having the mindset of not like guys cause i am tired of it. You know how everyone says that October has the worst canon events. Well, the other day i had a bad gut feeling that something bad is going to happen to me and that whole afternoon, i was like "I swear that my life is good, i mean i hanged out with family friends and got invited to a hangout and everything nice". well no. cause just 30 mins later, i was sitting in a fucking corner balling out tears as I asking myself was i just happy cause life is good and I am finally free or was i happy because i finally feel seen. I know i wasn't truly happy at all. I know i am still depressed, i just cover it all up. That night, I went home sad and but happy (cause i seen cars cause i love cars) but then just a 9pm, reality hit me and i just started crying and cried myself to sleep. And after that day (it was yesterday), I felt sad and i just feel unenergized and today i was somewhere where the guy i talked about early, was there and he just talked with me and i ended up telling him, i am just going through some shit and he hoped i was okay. but its whatever. but i just hope i can make to another birthday once again. thank you for reading my story.