probably at the beginning. but the beginning is fuzzy. did it start when i grew up when i was just a kid? i didn’t really understand when my best friend touched me but it seemed like a fun game. i was just a kid. she’s straight and perfect now. i’m just me. i have the memories just not my feelings.
it didn’t hurt til i was older. it started hurting at that party when someone crossed my boundaries. they said “if you were in college we’d have fucked by now” paying no mind to that not being what i want. i’m easily convinced in the morning. i’m used to ignoring myself and listening to whoever is getting me up. i just stay silent and let things happen.
it wasn’t long before the violence came to my bed. my boyfriend, my partner. he was so mean and so much older and the best i thought i could have. til i crashed and died and he raped me while i cried. and i just tried to forget so i could keep my only chance at being loved. eventually i got out but craved chaos above all else and i ended up using drugs to forget. ready to fill my veins til they burst. but that ended wrong one night full of tears and hurting too long, when my drug friend became an abuser. i gave up from here and drowned in acid and beer only knowing how to die.
but i got sober and i got older and learned what i needed. but my demons still haunt and beg to be fed. hoping to consume me til i’m dead. where did it start. it all went wrong. i need to pick up but i feel so alone